Post Break-Up Form/Letter To Ex

. 12/01/2008

Instructions: Choose the best answer. Retype. Print. Wrap a large stone with it. Throw at ex’s window. Or head if you are really angry.

Dear (insert ex’s name)

You are too:

· immature for me

· self-absorbed to even notice me

· short and people stare at you and laugh

· smelly that it affects my house plants

You make me want to:

· become a nun/priest

· throw up and eat my own vomit

· call your mother and tell her how badly she raised you

· call your boss and tell him that you are taking drugs

I am writing this letter because I want to tell you that I:

· have changed the locks at MY apartment

· have burned all your Sandman graphic novels

· have told your mother that you have STD

· have filed a restraining order against you

I can’t stand that you:

· scream like a girl while having an orgasm

· masturbate while watching tribes people on National Geographic

· kiss me with that breath

· cook and assume that chili is the only ingredient in the world

Our relationship was:

· a mistake of global proportions

· an episode of Twilight Zone

· a reason for my friends to say “we told you so”

· as bad Ryan Seacrest hosting the Emmys

I felt like I was sleeping with:

· a corpse

· Mini-me

· Whoopi Goldberg

· a huge block of blue cheese

I wish you would:

· leave me alone

· leave the country

· leave cooking to professionals

· die a violent death

I hope you never get over your unnatural obsession with your:

· early on-set drastic hair loss

· stretch marks

· back pimples

· hairy butt

I feel:

· sorry for your mother

· sorry for your next girlfriend/boyfriend

· glad that I don’t have to fake interest in your hobbies anymore

· glad that I don’t have to act slightly stupid to make you feel good about yourself

Sincerely (insert your name)

P.S. I hate your:

· fashion sense

· your pet

· brother/sister

· guts


· your sister is ugly as fuck

· your hometown is so primitive

· you are not as hot as you think

· I just won the lottery